Parental Discipline

Years ago, my wife and I attended a group discussion on parenting. More precisely, the conversation centered on ideal parental discipline.

Being new to the group, we didn’t chime in, just listened. Surprisingly, much of the discussion centered around how parents might avoid overreactions and outbursts of their own toward their children, and the subsequent regrets for doing so.

I felt the discussion concluded before the group truly defined and framed the concept of effective parental discipline. This left me reflecting more deeply on the concept of discipline, its purpose, principles, and effective implementation. In other words, what might discipline look like, if done well?

In this post, I would like to share some of my reflections on the subject, with the hope that parents – especially those with young children – will find this useful in framing their approach to discipline before they react in the heat of the moment.

Discipline is far more effective when guided by forethought and intention rather than impulse. If we take the time to define what we hope to achieve – not just for immediate compliance, but for our children’s long-term well-being – we spare ourselves unnecessary conflict and create a more harmonious home.

Discipline Defined

Discipline comes in two related varieties, both motivating behaviors.

The first type of discipline refers to our ability to motivate ourselves to consistently move toward a defined objective. This is an internal, self-imposed, prescribed pattern of behavior that sounds like, “She is disciplined in her daily workout routine.”

The second type of discipline is what good parents impose upon their children and what good teachers and trainers impose upon their pupils and proteges. This is an external motivation imposed upon someone by someone else.

If we, as parents, implement the external version of discipline properly with our children, they are more likely to incorporate the internal self-imposed discipline upon themselves with time, and thereby lead more productive lives (hopefully), with better, more functional, and more fulfilling relationships with their own children.

This framework is my vision of ideal parental discipline and its fundamental purpose.

Parental Discipline is the optional and somewhat arbitrary assignment of a minimum negative outcome, created expressly to establish a causal relationship between a certain action/choice and an undesirable experience, such that it might dissuade similar behavior in the future.

Many young parents may not have thoroughly considered the broader context and the deeper purpose of effective discipline. So, let’s discuss further.

Immediate Consequences

Sometimes life delivers swift consequences for poor decisions.

Touching an electric fence falls in this category.

Let’s say you’re on a walk in the country with your four-year-old child and you come to an electric fence. You notice your child motioning as if she might touch the fence.

“Don’t touch that wire,” you say. “It will hurt you.”

Your four-year-old gets that defiant look about her… the one that locks eyes with yours and suggests that not only does she know better than you, but that she is about to prove it… to you, to me, to the whole world.

“Trust me,” you say, “if you touch that wire, it’s going to hurt. That’s an electric fence and it will shock you.”

But maybe your child, being young, is not so convinced of your predicted unpleasant outcome. Maybe she reaches for that magical strand anyway with a look on her face that says, I want to do what I want rather than trust your admonition against it. This will show you that I can do what I want, how I want, when I want.

“Don’t touch it,” you attempt to dissuade one last time.

She reaches her hand out anyway, glancing back to ensure you are watching this great act of boldness.

Ziizzz…ZAP!!!¹

Crying ensues.²

This is an example where the immediate negative consequence of an action sufficiently teaches the desired lesson.

In this case, as a parent, you would not need to impose further external discipline on the child for the minor wayward action. Almost certainly, she has learned what will forever remain unspoken… that old Dad had some decent advice… (that one time).

You might have surmised this is not a fictional example.

The same lesson is learned if you decide to punch someone stronger than you. Shortly thereafter, you might discover the negative consequence of this action. If the stronger person is an older sibling, you might soon be eating grass or snow, depending on the season, as they sit on your chest and feed it to you. Also, not a fictional example from my own childhood.

Life abounds with similar experiences, where feedback is expedient.

Critical life lessons are learned more expeditiously when the correlation between the inputs (poor choices) and outputs (undesirable consequences) is immediate and decisive. These banked lessons inform and often improve our future decision-making processes.

Might we as parents be a little annoyed that the child did not initially listen? Probably. But in these immediate-feedback instances, we do not need to layer further disciplinary actions upon the child. The instant feedback was sufficient, and the lesson was learned.

When the stakes are low, sometimes the natural consequences of a poor choice better inform our children than our words of warning.

But sometimes the input/output relationship is not as clear.

Delayed Consequences

In some cases, the consequence is delayed, such that the correlation from action to eventual outcome is not entirely evident to a young person.³ In this instance, it behooves us as parents, and benefits our children, to assign an undesirable outcome as a proxy-consequence for undesirable behavior.

Assigning a negative outcome to poor behavior (or poor decision making) allows our children to discover and understand a correlation between behavior and outcomes when it’s less obvious.

Done properly, discipline allows children to learn from their mistakes when mistakes might have otherwise gone unchecked until much later where they may seem uncorrelated to the previous decision or action. In these cases, it’s smart to accelerate faux-outcomes to help right a wrong and more closely tie a negative outcome to the wayward action.

Say a small child steals a piece of candy from a store. Often, the parent will march the kid back into the store, insist on meeting the manager, insist the child apologize, and insist the child ultimately pays for the candy plus perhaps some minor disciplinary action when they return home. This accelerates an outcome, and more closely ties a negative experience to a poor choice.

The alternative is that the child learns that he or she can steal, and no one notices, or no one seems to care. This forms the unfortunate “I got away with it, and it was easy” lesson. This is not the lesson you want your kids to learn. It will ultimately catch up with them, likely when the consequences are much greater.⁴

Unchecked, poor behavior amplifies with time, if not paired and subdued with negative outcomes.

An unfortunate experience for a child is to feel they got away with something they should not have done. This (wrongly) plants an initial idea within their thinking, “Maybe there aren’t really negative consequences to my actions.”

A classic example is lying. Often, people lie and do not get caught. But even “small lies” are significant.

Let’s say you ask your 4-year-old just before bedtime,

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yes.”

All good. She goes to bed.

This is an interesting observation for a 4-year-old, if in fact she did NOT brush her teeth.

Odds are, she will not get a cavity (as promised) from missing one brushing session. More importantly, she has learned that mom and dad do not in fact know everything, as previously believed. She has metaphorically eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

She may now also think the cavity-threat isn’t exactly true either because the next morning, she wakes up and all her teeth are still fully intact.

But a lie has been told without consequence, except for the nick in the character of the child, which no one initially notices (including the child). But it’s there. And it may be significant, as it represents the first rung of a ladder, that your child climbs down.

Let’s suppose instead, as a parent, we double check the toothbrush and discover it is dry. If we ask the child about it, at 4, she will normally cave quickly and readily confess that she did not brush her teeth as promised. It is at this precise moment; the parent has a choice. (It should go without saying that the child must of course go brush her teeth. That is not the choice here.) The choice is what to do about the lie, which is considerably more important than brushing teeth for the evening.

Some battles are worth fighting. Some are not.

Good parents may not always decide correctly on the difference between the two, but good parenting factors battle-efficacy into the equation. Once you, as the parent, determine it is a battle worth fighting, you must have the resolve to win (or come to your senses if your own position is ridiculous, which can also happen, but we’ll ignore that case for this discussion).

RULE: As a parent, never lose a battle you have chosen to fight when it comes to discipline. It will cost you and your child, repeatedly.⁵

COROLLARY: Do not choose battles that are not worth fighting.⁶

Side Story

When my daughter was 10 or 12 years old, we were talking about parenting styles. It was during this conversation I shared with her this idea that once a parent decides a certain battle is worth fighting, the parent must win. It’s imperative. (Let’s face it, it’s easier to avoid battles in the short-run by giving in, but these battles are being fought simultaneously AGAINST the child in the short-term, and FOR the child, in the long-term. If we frame it as a “for the child” battle, we’ll have more fortitude.)

The trick, of course, is to be quite judicious about which battles you choose to fight… partly because we do not want to be overbearing, and partly because battles consume time and energy, scarce resources when the kids are young, especially if there are several of them running around the premises you call home. You may be outnumbered, and they literally have nothing better to do than to wear you out.

In fact, in some households, the kids’ argumentative style is not to win but to ensure parental attention. And it works. It’s not healthy, but it’s a tool children learn to attract the attention of a parent. Sometimes, kids crave attention so badly, they are willing to accept the negative kind, just to have it at all. Soon, the other kids at the house also learn this trick, and then it’s an all-out competition between the kids for parental attention, through controversy, mischief and agitation. This dynamic can be particularly difficult for single parents who possess less than half the time and energy reserves to contend with it.

Anyway, during my conversation with my daughter, she asked me for examples where I chose not to pick a battle. I suppose it was more obvious when the battles lines were drawn, so she did not ask for these examples. She wanted to know about the times I let it go without the battle, the times I deemed it “not worth it”.

I didn’t have to think long before I remembered a recent example, which I shared with her. I knew she had done something that probably warranted a conversation and correction. However, in the moment, I knew she was really tired. The mood and vibe for this type of conversation had a low probability of being productive. And, in the grand scheme of life, it was a small thing, so I let it go.

I’m being intentionally vague here. I was more specific with her. When I told her about this instance, she said, “Wait… you knew I did that?”.

“Yes, I did. And I let it go.”

We ended this healthy conversation with an informal agreement, a deal of sorts between us. It went something like this.

“I really don’t want to do battle with you. It’s not fun for you and it’s not fun for me… but I’m willing to do it to help teach you, if the longer-term lesson is worth it for you. So, I’ll agree to be as wise as possible about choosing where I draw the battle lines… and I’ll even let some small things slide. Nobody is perfect. However, if I draw the battle line on a particular point, just know that I will win. I have to. Parents’ creed. So, instead of fighting me on it, please just trust that I have your best interests at heart because I love you… and save us both a lot of time.”

I guess she thought this was a fair arrangement, to shortcut potential future battles. So, we agreed.

A few weeks later, there was an incident where I insisted on something (contrary to what she wanted). At this point, I don’t remember what it was. The point is, I was going to insist on a certain outcome. My daughter responded to me brilliantly,

“Is this like a preference or are you making this a battle?”

I really appreciated the question because it demonstrated maturity, confirmed she had paid attention to our previous conversation, and gave me a moment to pause and reflect. Was this really something worth a potential battle? Was I being too harsh? Was this rational and a wise parenting choice?

These are all great questions to consider BEFORE we draw a battle line.

After pausing momentarily to weigh these thoughts, I concluded it was, in fact, important. So, I replied calmly,

“Yeah, this is actually important. This would be a battle I’m willing to fight,” against her and simultaneously for her.

“Ok, I’ll do it then,” she replied without hesitation.

End of discussion.

Brilliant. Quite mature of her… and a parental learning experience for me as well.

Because of this, I knew the lesson was conveyed and that I could also relax a little more on future battles as she demonstrated the maturity to make a good choice.

A direct, compounding effect of your children making good decisions is the freedom to make more of them in the future.

With this, we, as parents, begin to let go, bit by bit, as we transition from the initial parent-child relationship to parent/friend-child/friend. The “/parent” remains because we can never fully let go of the parent-child relationship (nor does the child want us to), but we should transition significantly as our children mature.

Back to Our Original Teeth Brushing Example

Depending on the relationship, the day, the child, the mood, your energy level, and a host of other factors, the parent may decide to call out the lie, make the child brush her teeth, say a few words about the importance of telling the truth and leave it at that.

Alternatively, it might seem appropriate to the parent to assign a negative outcome to the lie telling. If this is the case – that some form of discipline should be summoned – the parent now faces an additional choice… what negative outcome should be assigned to this infraction?

The answer to this question must consider three points. The discipline needs to be:

1. Proportional in scale to the infraction.
2. Age appropriate.
3. Matched to the child’s personality.

This specific example, (lying about brushing teeth), would seem to be a small infraction by a young child. The resulting discipline should reflect this.

Where parents often get this wrong is that they immediately assign a consequence when they are themselves a bit emotional, frustrated or annoyed. Maybe not so much in this specific example, but you can imagine when the kids get older, say teenagers, and still lie, perhaps about something important. Parents get fired up and ground the kid from everything, for life. That’s reactionary. That’s not discipline. That’s punishment.⁷ Remember,

Discipline is the deliberate application of a measured consequence with the minimal unpleasantness required to reinforce the connection between actions and outcomes to discourage similar wayward behaviors in the future.

I’m not going to suggest specific outcomes for the teeth-brushing lie. That is not the purpose of this article. The idea here is to outline a structure about how to approach disciplining a child thoughtfully and effectively.

A Strategy

Here’s a practical strategy to employ in the moment to ensure we are judicious in matching the assigned consequences scaled to the infraction… simply state that there will be a consequence and deliver it later when cooler heads can prevail. It sounds something like this:

“You are in trouble. Your mom/dad and I will discuss this and get back to you on what the consequences will be later today.”

Children understand the concept of “being in trouble”. In fact, the uncertainty of some vague future consequence can be significant itself. This simple little trick gives you time to move out of what might be an emotional response and into a calmer analytical response. This slowing down and spacing of time between infraction and assignment of consequences allows a parent to thoughtfully consider the three points above and decide upon an appropriate outcome.

All children are different. Some children just need a stern look, and all is straightened out. Some kids need to feel the gravity of the situation more. The personality of the child should weigh significantly on the outcome you assign.

Before I close, I would like to discuss two additional points about discipline, one about effort, the other about love.

Discipline Requires Effort

Discipline, done properly, takes forethought, time, patience and energy, but it’s worth it.

One reason why parental discipline is often executed poorly is that it is not strategized in advance.

Discipline requires quality time thinking on the most appropriate outcome to assign, but also on enforcing the outcome, which is sometimes just as difficult, especially for parents of stronger-willed children. It requires follow-up and checking on progress. If we think of this time as an expense, it will be difficult to implement discipline properly. Instead, we must consider it an investment – time invested now to save a lot of frustrating time re-doing it over and over in the future.

Constant, on-going battles are not fun for anyone – parent, child, siblings, extended family. As with all investments (financial, relational, career, parenting) the motto is: Do you want it hard now and easy later, or easy now and hard later? Invest the time early.

Discipline is About Love

Discipline is an act of love for your child.

Done properly, discipline allows your children to establish a series of lessons-learned from small consequences and outcomes that you can somewhat control. These are small stakes to learn important life lessons, boundaries, and positive behavioral patterns.

Without lessons-learned through parental discipline, the child grows to be a teenager or young adult and quickly finds that society at large assigns its own consequences because the child did not learn to control his or her behavior or tongue while still a child. Compared to the parents, the world dishes out high stakes discipline.

Perhaps one day your child punches the wrong guy. The guy was smaller but had a weapon. Your child did not see this coming, and it changes their life permanently.

Perhaps your child mouths off to an authority figure because this has gone unchecked at home. This time, it’s the police. The police typically don’t react well to this. Sometimes the police, being humans themselves with all the emotions normal to people, react and assign a punishment (not discipline). The police can dole out considerable misery with long-lasting effects.

For these reasons, it is in your child’s best interest to experience discipline while growing up. It’s a controlled environment, for the purposes of learning.

Conclusion

Good parental discipline is measured, thoughtful, distanced (emotionally neutral) and performed out of love for the child as an investment into their future.

I hope this framework provides guidance as you navigate the journey of raising the next wave of humans… now go love on them.

---

Follow Past Midway if you would like an email notification when I post something new.

---

FOOTNOTES:

1. If you grew up around electric fences, you know that there’s a “zizz” and there’s a “ZAP”. The zizz isn’t so bad. You don’t want the “ZAP”. Trust me.
2. This is also when dads try to hold back a chuckle.
3. I say “delayed” because there is no case where the negative consequence does not exist for our wayward actions. We might not see it, but it’s there, if for the simple idea that our own behavior changes us. Too many experiences of doing something we shouldn’t do, because there have been no signs of negative consequences, ultimately molds us into a person of lesser potential.
4. For this reason, it may even be preferable for your child to “get into trouble” from time to time at school when they are little, and the consequences are relatively harmless. These are low-cost lessons.
5. There’s at least one exception to this. If, during further discussion, your child has a rational argument that allows you to see that you have in fact been irrational and unfair (because you worked all day, traffic sucked on the way home, you were overly tired, etc.). If you realize you have been unreasonable, this is a great time to admit your error and reconcile your position. This is fine. In fact, it’s good. It shows vulnerability to your child, allows them to see that you considered and valued their position and input, allows them to see that you recognize your own fallibility, and allows them to develop skills to articulate their views productively. This has happened with me and my kids… and I was proud of them at the time for the reasonable and logical nudge… and told them so. But, OK, this likely isn’t the norm. If it is, we need to take a step back and consider how we interact with our kids consistently before we tackle the discipline issue conceptually.
6. This can be a difficult balance to strike. My advice on this point is to strongly consider that you are not fighting AGAINST your child in these battles. You are fighting FOR you child. In fact, this is good relationship advice in general (marriage, kids, parents, business partners, etc.) Do NOT consider these as battles between you and the other person. Instead, consider yourself as a team, both on the same side of the negotiating table. The issue/problem is the adversary sitting on the other side of the table. The other person (your child) is on your team, on your side of the table. You are striving for a solution, together, to solve the problem. This is the best mindset in which to view the discipline of your child, as you fight with them, for them.
7. Discipline is implemented poorly if it is measured out as an emotional reaction in the moment (often in the form of a punishment). An indicator that discipline might be implemented poorly is if a teenager says, “My parents are going to kill me when I get home.” This is likely an exaggeration on their part, but it conveys the idea that they fear the parent (not the discipline). The fear of the parent may indicate the parent has established a habit of punishing a child for misbehavior, rather than disciplining the child.

   Discipline is NOT punishment, and punishment is not good discipline.

   Punishment has the connotation of something reactionary, emotionally charged, and sometimes heavy-handed or venomously worded. Punishment says, “This is what you get for doing that… and you deserve it”. Punishment does not sound like, nor feel like, love to the recipient. Although it can be effective in the short-term, it is a suboptimal proxy for true discipline.