When our children were little, we replicated the time-honored tradition of putting the kids to bed each evening. Once the baby fell asleep, we would often close the door to attenuate household noises, especially the clamor of older siblings bustling about, lest we wake the baby.
This brings us to a cardinal rule young parents learn quickly:
Rule #1: Do NOT wake the baby.
…especially late in the evening.
Waking the baby in the evening means the baby just got a nap and is ready for another three hours of slightly discontented alertness. Sometimes the baby becomes a little cranky, which happens when they are tired, and rightly so. Someone just woke them, and who likes that?
The logic flow here is – if the baby ain’t happy, mamma ain’t happy. I think you know where this is going.1
But alas, closing the door quietly presents another dilemma – how to close the door with decibels in the 30dB range such that the closure itself does not wake the baby, because that would be ironic. Not comical. Just ironic.
Self-inflicted irony offers no humor for young parents chronically lacking sleep.2
So, what might we do?
You likely haven’t given much thought to your door shutting process, but you will immediately recognize the method I am about to describe. You do it instinctively.
Think about how you close a door quietly, when quiet is important.
Do you just shut it normally, but slower? No. Too much risk in the last few millimeters. A shaky hand. An unexpected muscle twitch. An unfortunate sneeze. A momentary lapse in concentration. The house ventilation comes on and changes the air pressure in the room and… Bang! Way too much risk when the sleep-stakes are so high. You don’t just shut the door normal-but-slower. Everyone knows that.
You probably think I’m referring to turning the knob first to avoid the ka-chunk sound as it latches? Nope. That’s entry-level, novice skills – the table stakes of parenting.
To minimize the likelihood of an accidental door slam or any noise above the minimum acoustics to provoke a child from slumber, you must optimize the control of the motion of the door.
This is precisely when more is less. When control is key, you counterintuitively use more force to close the door. Almost double the force. Almost.
The proper way to close a door in whisper mode is to position your hands such that they act in opposing directions. One hand pushes while the other hand pulls (some parents use their foot to provide the nearly-equal-but-opposite resistance force, my preferred technique, especially when wearing socks).
The opposing-force method provides the most skillful handling of the door. It will not be the swiftest door closing, which is precisely the point, but it will be the most regulated and controlled experience, and therefore the quietest.
The importance of this last point cannot be overstated. Refer to parenting Rule #1 above.
When Rule #1 is broken, the parent closing the door pauses, closes his or her eyes, takes a half-breath through the nostrils, and holds the air for just a moment. This brief pause is a self-calming act – the creation of a blip in time – to process. Whatever had been planned for the evening will no longer unfold into the beautiful reality we had imagined. Chill out and relax and have a few moments to yourself. Scratch that off your list. Catch up on paying bills. Nope. Call a friend. Spend time with your lovely spouse. Simultaneously, you must now also accept that you will be tired tomorrow. At least one of you. The brief pause is the physical response we enact to accept the new state of being and to muster the resolve to perform parental duties when the baby inevitably starts to cry in three… two… one…
WHAAAAA!!!!
Exhale. Now tend to the baby.
Extrapolating to Life
The idea that opposing forces can produce greater control extrapolates wonderfully to life where we must also have opposing forces for maximum control. This is true if the opposing force is within us or external to us.
Dilemma: We do not like forces that oppose us.
Opposition creates more work and perhaps some tension. It messes with our continual desire for comfort and ease. Sometimes it creates relational tension, one of the more difficult forces we must contend with, or avoid, in some cases.
Resistance training is an opposing force technique we use to build muscle, to become stronger and to increase our bone density. School assignments, projects, and studying for tests force us to work against some intellectual resistance to strengthen our ability to learn, to memorize, and to think logically and critically.
We are typically resistant to that which requires more work, like exercise, homework, and studying. Opposing forces, like friction, are uncomfortable and sometimes painful, physically, and emotionally, but we work through them because they benefit us.3
The tension provided by the opposing forces of life can ultimately provide more control – and subsequently growth. At least, this seems to be the natural order of things:
Difficulty > Struggle > Thought > Effort > Character > Outcomes > Reflection > Wisdom
The logical conclusion:
Skip the difficulty and struggle, forego the character and wisdom.
This is not to imply we should seek difficulty for the sake of struggling itself. That may be unwise. But, to the extent we struggle because we are solving difficult problems or overcoming a specific challenge, this produces character and, with reflection, wisdom.
It’s also worth noting,
Character is derived from the Effort, not the Outcome.
Growth from Difficulty
Almost all growth is birthed from difficulty, often perceived as suffering or at least discomfort in the moment. It’s generally unpleasant.
Why do we learn more when things are difficult, whether that be a project at work, a decision at home, or a loss on game day?
Because difficult times or circumstances require us to try harder, to think deeper, or to explore further than perhaps we have previously. We must think until we solve our problem, (or give up, or give in, rendering something out of our control, another point we don’t particularly enjoy). Solutions to difficult problems often require us to explore previously unknown depths.
The only way to learn is to confront the unknown, to explore beyond previously held boundaries. Too often, we spend our lives dwelling in the known.
We have a natural proclivity to camp in our walled garden, a faux Eden.
Confronting the unknown is a prerequisite for personal growth. As infants, everything was unknown. Through exploration, objects transitioned from unknown, to known, to familiar. The challenge – we often do not willingly partake in exploration, especially as we age. Sometimes we require an external force, in the form of a difficulty or a challenge, to nudge us beyond the edge of our previously explored boundaries.
Solving for our struggles requires exploration and introspection, or a contentedness to simply suffer – a resolution to be less than our potential… and know it.
Deep introspection reveals our inner secrets, to ourselves. It is precisely how we come to know ourselves. People who do not know themselves have not sufficiently faced their own struggles and have not contemplated the fundamental purpose that adversity serves as a vital part of our life-growth equation. It is difficult for these people to find meaning. And yet, we often do not find meaning in the struggle itself. Instead,
We find meaning in the discovery that we are becoming the type of person who can contend with ever-increasing levels of difficulty.
The beauty of this process rests upon the notion that the pain of the hardship often passes, but the lessons and resulting wisdom remain, much to our benefit.
The alternative is to avoid efforts to solve problems as they arise, to suffer. Suffering is a negative internal reaction to an external stimulus we generally prefer not to experience. And yet suffering itself is often the very stimulant we need, precisely because we are self-urged to reduce it.
It’s as if the concept of suffering was specifically designed to compel us to do something about it, to reduce the pain, uncomfortableness, or discontentedness. Much like hunger prompts action in the form of calorie gathering, suffering likely helped keep our early ancestors alive. Suffering continues to be the tool that prods us to work and to think harder than our natural inclinations, if left in continual bliss.
We generally have a tendency to avoid that which requires effort, unless it’s fun, or helps alleviate our own suffering, or sometimes, if we are kind, to help alleviate the suffering of others.
Modern societies have eliminated much of the misery and distress experienced by our forebearers. We are significantly weaker for it. We have become accustomed to a life of abundance with all our basic needs met and most of our wants fulfilled. But perpetual abundance can render our deepest desires void.
It is not healthy to be continually deprived of deprivation.4
How can that be?
Hunger
Much of human history has been generation after generation of hunger and privation. It is a recent event, even in the developed world, to have food readily available in the refrigerator or pantry, such that we might just grab a snack or a full meal, with scarcely any effort required. In any prior period, this alone would have been extreme wealth.
Our ancestors expended much of their caloric intake simply trying to obtain the next set of calories, in feast-or-famine swings as hunting and gathering or crop production was successful or discouraging, or potentially devastating.
Exercise
Many people pay a monthly membership fee to their local gym, simply to ensure they are moving enough to stay fit. Some people pay every month and still avoid the gym, the workout of good intentions.
Gym exercise is self-induced, voluntary suffering (with an aim), because, for many of us, modern life lacks sufficient physical hardships to keep us properly fit just doing the normal actions of our day. In millennia past, life itself provided adequate movement for a solid daily workout. Most modern humans would not survive, if dropped back in time a few hundred years.
Most of us are simply too weak (physically and mentally), including me. Collectively, we have insufficient endurance for suffering, because we have had insufficient hardship.5
Camping
People go camping for similar reasons. To rough it. To “get back to nature”. Camping is our modern attempt to add an element of misery and travail to our lives in remembrance of our ancestorial roots.
Unless, of course, you camp like me.
Jones Family Camping – an Experience
The last time… OK, the only time, the kids and I went camping, we splurged on a new 14-foot tent (for four of us… my wife Sofie wasn’t with us, although I don’t recall why). The instructions on the box said it would take four minutes to erect.
Yeah right. I thought.
Remembering camping experiences from my youth… Never has a tent been put up in less than 20 minutes… especially considering we arrived at the campsite after dark.
A lot of parents enjoy this type of bonding-over-a-shared-torturous-learning-experience kind of thing. I’m not wired that way. I just want to have that thin layer between me and nature (especially to separate us from the bugs) without having to work to produce such a rudimentary dwelling.
So, we pulled the tent out of the box, in the dark, having never seen the thing before. No kidding, we set it up in four minutes with flashlights! The modern, newfangled tents are amazing. Unfold it. Spread it out. Lift from the center until the support rods around the exterior click into place. Presto. Done. I was not expecting that.
Inside the tent, we inflated three air mattresses, two twin-sized beds and one queen-sized bed, because who wants to sleep on the ground? On top of the beds, we placed polyurethane waffle pads for extra comfort, because who wants to sleep on a sticky plastic mattress, especially when it’s hot outside in Texas?
I realize this is starting to sound a lot like “not camping”.
The next morning, the boy scout group next to us (that we sort of went with because we were exploring the tribe for my son to potentially join) were already up early, starting the fire and banging pots and pans, (entirely too early I might add), as their plan for a full-fledged breakfast, prepared by the boys themselves, began to unfold somewhat chaotically.
I peeked out the tent window screen to ascertain what was happening next door. I then looked back at my crew and gave the kids a choice.
“Hey guys. We can go over there and be part of the big breakfast cooking ordeal and have pancakes, sausage, eggs and biscuits if you want, but the trade-off is, by the looks of it, it might be an hour and a half of preparation and another 45 minutes of post-cooking clean-up.
“Alternatively,“ holding up a cereal box, “we can whip this bad boy out and be done in 10 minutes with no clean-up duties.”
Perhaps the speech was a bit leading, but regardless, the vote was unanimous.
In contrast to the boy scouts, and without shame, we ate cereal out of plastic cups with plastic spoons before our hike, because who wants to make a fire, and cook, and clean? Not me. That sounds like it would fall solidly into the category of “three things in a row that I’d rather not do”.
In fact, that’s akin to suffering, which we would like to think we came for, but then pretty much skipped altogether. Instead, we experienced a solid half-dose of inconvenience.
In other words, we wanted to be able TO SAY we camped and suffered, but then not actually suffer.
After breakfast, we went on a short but enjoyable hike. Upon returning to our campsite, I sensed I was the kids might be done with the camping experience. It’s Texas. Hot. We were sweaty.
Accordingly, I gave the kids another choice.
“OK. Team Jones. We have two options. We can hang here again this evening, listen to the boy scouts sing (poorly) around the campfire and sleep (poorly) in the muggy hot air again… OR… we could pack up the tent now and stop by the pizza joint in the next town over… the same pizza place where we had dinner the previous evening on our way in. That pizza was good, wasn’t it?”
Again, maybe I led the witnesses a bit, but we all agreed the pizza was indeed good yesterday and the kids thought this was a brilliant idea, as did I. Shocker.
I noted it took considerably longer to get the 10-person tent back into the bag than it did to set it up. Nevertheless, we managed, because we were hungry from the hike and preferred round two of pizza over round two of the remaining cereal and the now slightly-warm milk.
That was our one and only family “camping” experience.
It was rough.
End Story
The point was to highlight that I’m not the first to volunteer for increased suffering such that I might grow from the experience, at least not as far as camping is concerned.
Easy Pain
But that does not negate the fundamental position that hardship produces growth.
Early in our marriage, Sofie and I were generally known as minimalists to our friends and family, even before minimalism was common parlance. Being consistent, I also prefer a minimalist stance when it comes to hardship.
I’m certainly not a suffer-enthusiast.
And yet, we all need some struggle. The pendulum has swung so hard in the direction of pain avoidance that we now aim for discomfort-avoidance. Especially me. And with this, we are no longer “hard”. Our bodies are soft and doughy. Our minds are lethargic. Collectively, we are emotionally fragile.
I suspect almost everyone alive before us was more rugged than the average person today.
In our abundance, privation is now a scarce resource.
“Dear God, please bless me with an abundance of privation.” This bold prayer isn’t the sort of sentiment we commonly encounter. But it may signify a profound understanding that through hardship, one can achieve the resilience necessary for genuine transformation.
Conclusion
Just like we gain control of shutting a door in a controlled manner by applying an opposing force, we can shape and control ourselves by invoking opposing forces in areas where we would like to experience growth.
Some growth comes from voluntary exposure to hardship. Some hardships are thrust upon us. Either way, one of our highest aspirations should be to transform our adverse experiences into avenues for personal growth, if we are to remain true to our nature.6 By confronting and overcoming these challenges, we align ourselves with our fundamental potential and purpose.
Ironically, we need a little more hardship to make life a little easier.
Just don’t wake the baby to produce it.
Follow Past Midway if you would like an email notification of new posts.
FOOTNOTES:
- “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” It’s no surprise there’s a direct translation of this axiom in every spoken language globally. OK, maybe I made this up, but I feel confident it’s true, nonetheless. Perhaps my international readers will leave their version in their native language in the comments below.
- This just isn’t the stage of life when irony shines in all its glory. That often comes 4 years later when your baby starts to say hilarious things and then again around year 13 as your baby transitions to teenage-land, a life-stage brimming with irony. In the early baby stage, it’s most about survival.
- The reality is, we study when we are young because our parents and teachers make us. Students are continually threatened with the prospect of lower grades. Some kids learn early on that lower grades don’t always lead to the destruction of our future selves like adults would lead us to believe. These kids are often labeled as either lazy or rebellious, but they make great entrepreneurs. When young, we often don’t realize the benefits of self-imposed discipline, so it is imposed upon us. Or maybe we aren’t allowed to discover it ourselves because it is forced upon us, sometimes in excessive quantities for the youth of today. Often too little for the adult population. As adults, we must continue to impose the opposing force of an ascetic life upon ourselves for continued growth.
- Don’t confuse deprivation with depravity. We are not deprived of depravity. There’s still plenty of that.
- Don’t get me wrong on this point. I am not a huge proponent of suffering within my own life either. It’s just not the sort of thing you raise your hand to volunteer for. “Pick me! Pick me!”
- With much credit to the great Viktor Frankl. Man’s Search for Meaning.
Thought provoking with the right amount of Andy humor, button busting for mom. Thinking this might be the best yet, but I suspect that comment holds true every time I read Past Midway.